The Nature of Attraction

Before I go into this topic, there's something very important to note. Attraction and love are not the same thing. This will not explain love in any way, so don't look for it here. It will explain from my point of view why people fall for people who will not treat them right, and why it's sometimes easier to just move on right away to a new person.

Someone I know recently went through a minor (though to them it seemed major) ordeal over a potential lover (referenced now as "Edgar".) Condensed, Edgar found someone else with most of the same qualities that they had found in my friend, and moved on after a long wait. Edgar wasn't in the wrong, really, because of circumstances that don't need to be brought up. Edgar did however raise an interesting point that I'd acknowledged for a long time, but never put to words. We aren't interested as much in a person as we are the things about them.

"Oh Andrew, if a person is made of things then you're interested in the person. How silly of you!" some would counter. Sure asshole, that's like saying that you can breathe water just because it has oxygen in it.

Example: guy A (Albus) has met girl B (Blair) and has fallen in love and lust (in reverse order) with. He loves that she's witty, and enjoys Shakespeare discussions with him. He knows he likes girls that are shorter than him, and a little wild sometimes. Blair likes guys that are taller than her, intelligent, and practical in their outlook on life. She also has a thing for long hair.

Blair meets most of Albus' list, except that the extent of her wild streak cuts off with the occasional sexual reference. Albus meets enough of Blair's list to be acceptable, but not really a preference. He lacks long hair, and his world view is more free spirited than she's capable of handling. The later is huge, and immediately she has less interest than he could ever have in her.

Albus meets girl C (Clara) and easily brushes off the "loss" of Blair from his mind, since she has all of these things that he's interested in as well. Clara is also interested in him, but because her preferences lean towards his height, short hair, and the fun view of life. She is equally comparable for him, as she has the same things as Blair without being the same person. All other things are important, but not the "must have" list. It doesn't matter that Blair listened to rap while Clara is a fan of country and light pop music. It doesn't matter what the cup size of either was, since that's not a preference on his list either. They are not the same person, but some of the same traits are there.

We draw from this overly simplified example the conclusion that not all people are really snowflakes, as much as checklists when it comes to attraction. Most people are so deep into their lists that they've set impossible placements for themselves, meaning that in some sense they've adopted the "One person in the world for me" outlook. With the population of the Earth right now, they're statistically never going to find that person.

In contrast to this example however, negative traits can sometimes find themselves on the checklist too.

Guy D (Donnie) has had three girlfriends. The first was absolutely amazing for him, and met everything he'd ever look for in a woman (incidentally, the first will almost always set the core list for every person after). She on top of all these things was also schizophrenic and bipolar. Because of all the other traits she has, he learns to adapt and deal with these problems.

His second girlfriend has fewer of the traits, but the schizophrenia is also there.

The third girlfriend has more traits than the second, but is bipolar and also suffers from ADHD.

By the time that Donnie is looking for a girlfriend and has to choose between Elanor (who meets all on his list of positive traits) and Florence (who meets all but one of the positive traits, but has schizophrenia and ADHD), he's more likely to pick Florence, despite her being bat-shit crazy and likely to destroy the relationship.

There are other issues that can factor into it too, but I don't really believe in Freud. While many of his arguments have validity, the vast majority seem to state that he just wanted to fuck his mom. I find that most people don't want their opposing gender parent as a lover, based on conversations. Most seem to want the polar opposite, actually. Without speaking too heavily from personal experiences, it seems that the kind of relationship we have with our parents will determine if we're all Oedipus incarnate or if we actually do procreate for the strength of the species.

This gets more complicated as you look at real people. If Georgette wants all of the following things in a potential lover, it becomes more difficult (barely possible) to find the "ideal."

Woman
Intelligent
C-DD cup size
Shorter
Long, dark hair
Glasses
120-160 lbs
Highly flexible
Central Asian cultural background
Conservative leaning centrist views politically
Interest in action movies
Interest in Crime Dramas
Interest in Star Wars
Interest in Swing music
Interest in James Joyce
Knowledge of French language
A nervous tick of biting nails down to the cuticle

This list is still abridged compared to reality, but already it gets much more difficult to find a person that meets this criteria. When factoring geography in (assuming that Georgette lives in New York) it can get very difficult to find someone that fits her criteria. Then, assuming that this person is found, the chances are equally slim of meeting this person's own list as the "ideal."

That's why people will "settle," which is not the true term. The "ideal" is nearly impossible to attain. We find people who are best suited for us, and we hope that love takes root and makes the checks on the list work the way they should.

This doesn't mean that all people ultimately find someone less compatible for them than possible. Technically it does, but I retort with "Fuck you, pessimist." When you find someone that you are capable of loving, it doesn't matter what else was left.

I'm sure I'm forgetting points I wanted to make, but it's late and I'm tired.